2 at age 2...

Can I say this? Oh well if I can't. The term "stay at home parent"... I think all 'stay at home parents feel me when I say that our title is rudely downplayed. 

Here I am, parenting along, after the first long, hard 2 years and I think I've hit a sweet spot - the beginning of age 2.. when all of a sudden age 2 and 1/2 hits me square in the nose! We've all been warned of the "terrible twos," haven't we? I haven't experienced any 'terrible' yet, but there's been a whole lot of 'trying.'.. okay, so maybe some terrible. Anyway.. 

One of the most valuable things I've reminded myself is that this incredibly hard work of potty-training, teaching: gentleness, remorse, compassion, healthy eating and exercising, healthy amounts of "screen time," deciphering needs from wants, boundary setting.. all while trying to teach them to use their words instead of their fists.. IS ALL FOR SOMETHING... SOMETHING HUGE! Bringing up a person, or in my case, 2 people, to, eventually send out into the world. They WILL make an impact, good or bad... they'll always make an impact. 

I am more than convinced that having the 2 at the same exact age almost guarantees more physically disturbing rivalry. You've got 2 toddlers, both going through extreme physical, cognitive, and most of all, emotional changes and they're still not able to understand what all that they're feeling and what to do with it all. Their infant though process is "when I feel mad, I hit.. right?" We have to TEACH gentleness as it isn't in our nature. Toddlers are a reaaaally good example of the very primal versions of humans, aren't we?

One of the things that help me in moments of all kinds, is that what I invest in my children now, will surely pay off when they're older (especially teenagers). I've heard that age 2 repeats itself at 16 - and after having been a 16 year old, and now having a couple of 2 year olds, I now know it to be true. Parenting twins (and children in general) is a high calling -- a very important one. Every interaction with our children be those of parents that are raising 30 year olds, not 2, 3,4 year olds. We are teaching them about the world they live in and will be out on their own in -- have the long term goal of teaching good character like: honesty, kindness, generosity and love long before focusing on fleeting things. Teach them the why behind the commands you give them, not just for the sake of obeying, but for the long-term sake of doing the right thing and questioning everything. After all, when they get to middle school and high school, if they're used to just following orders, eventually their friends and influences will be that voice.. that's when they either get into trouble or have thoughts and morals of their own because they've questioned the "why" behind it. Teach them to be able to stand on their own out in the real world. I don't want to leave this post without reminding us to always give ourselves grace. One of the most encouraging things that someone has said to me was when the girls were little. I was struggling with feeling like I wasn't making the best choices for them and a dear friend said "give yourself grace - you've only been a parent of these particular children for ____ months/years. So very true. Every age and stage are different and adjusting and figuring out that particular age is brand new to us.. even if we've had children before -- these kids are their own unique beings. May the bigger picture be on our hearts in the smallest of interactions we have with our precious ones - they matter more than we know.

From surviving to thriving..

My attempt at starting my blog last year was a feeble one. As much as I wanted to get my thoughts on virtual paper and type myself back to sanity, my need for sleep and healing continued to prevail over every other desire. But those were good choices and I need to celebrate those, right? Aibel and Eden started sleeping through the night at about 12 months - this milestone I remember more vividly than most of the others. I am so grateful to finally be on the other side of that first year, but those fresh baby scents, all of those "firsts" and sleeps on my chest are greatly missed!

Have you ever ran into a mom of older twins that has offered encouragement by saying "it gets easier?" I would run into those moms, what seemed like ALL of the time, at the grocery store. The moment that they said they were a mom of twins I felt this deep connection with them and I wanted to ditch my groceries, slip into their grocery bag, ride with them home, and sip tea and cry with them. I think it was my pre-eclampsia/post partum/sleep deprivation thinking, but I guess I'll never know. But what I do know now, is how I want to connect with other early twin mommas. I want to be the kind of woman who will cry and have tea with them. Most of the time, the twin mom would almost seem disconnected (or probably just in a hurry) and would shout "it gets easier" as they would walk away swiftly. At that point, all I wanted was to feel the "easier." I was tired of hearing about that future time. I was sheer exhaustion in walking form. The pre-eclampsia caused my liver and kidneys to fail 90% shortly before the doctors took Aibel and Eden by semi-emergent cesarean. It took my body 9 months to recover from our near-death experience. I woudn't remember it when I needed to, but I was blessed to have made it through that and to experience the joy of even holding my little girls.

There was a time where I almost felt robbed of the ability to truly enjoy this experience to its fullest. I would look at a mom who shared their 'natural' delivery experience and their one-baby-at-a-time experience and almost scoff. I knew I was blessed, but the unclear thinking was overpowering what I knew to be the truth. The truth is: that there are thousands of women who dream about having even 1 child. There are women who have lost their precious children. There are women who pay big money for fertility and other means of getting pregnant. Children are a gift from God. He felt the desire to bless me with two of these precious gifts. It was an absolute honor and if I'm perfectly honest with myself, sometimes felt like it was a curse. I was blessed and I knew it, but I didn't feel it. Knowing and feeling are two completely different things, aren't they? Today, the more sleep I get, the clearer I'm able to see my situation for what it really is: A very high calling. A mother to two little girls that will grow into women and impact others lives, possibly having families of their own. A crucial role in their relationship with their Creator. May we never forget how truly blessed we are in our day-to-today jobs.. butt-changing, double-bathing, lunch-packing, sleep-losing tasks. We were all chosen to be trusted and blessed with two miracles in one - what an honor!

10.19.11

If I could go back to any moment over our babies' lives and just sit and enjoy, hands down, it would be this one. I was so ill toward the end of our pregnancy that the thought of being well again and having both precious babies in my arms was music to my ears! Do you know those moments in life that are so vivid and you cherish so much that you can close your eyes and see, touch, taste, hear, and smell the memory like you were there. This is one of those moments for me.

I ended up needing a semi-emergent c-section that called for babies to come out within a matter of hours. I was pre-eclamptic and very ill. I will spare the details. Once the surgery was on it's way, I remember hearing one of the 11 people in the surgery room say "Baby A" is out", who we now know as Aibel. I didn't hear or see her. Probably because I was so focused on the immense amount of pain that my neck and shoulders were in - referred pain. Then, a few seconds later I heard a cry and looked over and saw "Baby B," who we now call Eden. It was surreal. A few minutes later I had both babies lying on my chest and for about a minute I felt like I was literally in heaven. All of that intense pain I was feeling.. vanished for that minute. The amount of joy that I experienced holding not one, but both precious lives I had been awaiting was almost too much to handle, I think I nearly passed out.

I would give anything to re-live this moment again. Every time I want to remember, I close my eyes and I'm there. I think memory is God's way of allowing us to re-live joy, as well as sorrow. But in this case, pure joy!

It starts here.

Oh, the things that have happened in the last 7 months! Stories that would take you from laughing to peeing your pants, then to tears in a matter of seconds.. or maybe that was the post-partum stuff that they talk about. Either way, I wish I had felt 'up' to recording some of the bloopers of the first several months of being mom to Aibel and Eden. You've got to start somewhere, right? Here we go!